


On the Subject of Fathers

by TheAnonPen



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Canon Era, Dragonlords (Merlin), Gen, Magic Revealed, Post-Episode: s04e03 The Wicked Day, References to Balinor, References to Uther - Freeform, Reveal, implicitly anyway
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-23
Updated: 2020-06-23
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:20:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24868240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheAnonPen/pseuds/TheAnonPen
Summary: Of everyone in Camelot, it is Merlin who can understand Arthur's pain the most. To lose a father as the weight of the kingdom lands on your shoulders is a heavy burden to carry alone.
Relationships: Merlin & Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 148





	On the Subject of Fathers

As is the way for many young boys, when Arthur was growing up his father was his hero. He, of course, witnessed the strong and powerful leader his people saw, but Arthur’s fondest memories were of a different man. They were of the proud father standing at the side of the training field as a young Arthur swung a wooden sword with nearly enough passion to make up for his lack of skill. They were of the man that picked him up and carried him to Gaius when he twisted his ankle in the same session. They were of the gentle hands that came in to tuck his blankets and stroke his hair every night as a child. He knew that many in the court regarded his father as a cold, harsh figure - and Arthur would freely admit that he was very much not perfect - but perhaps if they had seen the side of him that Arthur had known they would understand his grief a little better. The people mourned their king, of course, but there were very few that were truly in mourning for the loss of Uther Pendragon, the man. 

Merlin was trying to be gentle he really was, but when the entire castle suddenly seemed to think it was his responsibility to make sure the king turned up for his duties it was hard not to become frustrated. Especially when said king seemed to be taking all of his own negative emotions out on him as well. If there was one thing he’d never had to worry about it was Arthur’s dedication to his work; there was almost nothing that he would put before his kingdom and he applied that mentality to everything from riding out against dragons to battling his way through the most boring paperwork Merlin had ever seen. The man was a workaholic. Except now that he was king it was as if he suddenly had no interest in any of it; he just sat in his room reading old reports written by his father. He let Leon take over the training sessions, he didn’t turn up to meetings, he’d even started relying on Agravaine to stand in for him during open court which was the most unusual of all as Arthur would normally jump on any chance to help his people no matter how small. Merlin understood perhaps better than anyone how difficult it was to lose a father and immediately inherit more responsibility than you ever thought possible, but as much as he tried to sympathise he couldn’t help but feel a little jealous that Arthur was able to mourn his father so openly. He so dearly wished he could turn back time and fix his mistake but that wasn’t possible, and though he may not ever acknowledge it there was a small part of him that was glad he was gone. Merlin would never forgive himself for the pain he had caused his friend, but there was nothing about the late king that he would miss. 

“Agravaine took over the council meeting again,” Merlin said as he pushed open the door to the king’s chambers with a basket of clean laundry in his arms.

“My uncle is more than capable,” Arthur muttered from his position staring out of the window.

“Will you be joining the knights for training sire?” Merlin asked despite already knowing the answer. He put the basket of laundry on the table and began to sort through it.

“Not today,” Arthur said. “Do you have to do that here?” He turned to face Merlin.

“Well, they’re your clothes and these are your chambers so… yes?” Merlin said but stopped sorting to turn and face the king anyway. “The men need to see their king; you haven’t been to training in a week.”

“The men are fine.”

“Arthur,” Merlin began gently, “I know you’re still mourning but your people need-”

“Don’t Merlin.” Arthur cut him off.

“I understand that-”

“Understand?” Arthur scoffed. “How could you of all people possibly understand what it is to lose a father, Merlin? You don’t even know who yours is!” Arthur spat out cruelly before turning back to the window. He stood there in silence waiting for the retort he knew was coming, but instead he heard the slam of the door as he was left alone. He closed his eyes and sighed; he regretted the words as soon as they’d left his mouth but he was too proud to go chasing after his servant straight away. He would make amends when Merlin returned later.

However, Merlin didn’t return later. Hours later and long after darkness had fallen Arthur realised he may need to take matters into his own hands and hunt him down himself. The first place he looked was, of course, Gaius’ chambers but the physician informed him that Merlin had offered to go and collect herbs for him hours earlier. Arthur felt a pang of worry go through him at this news; the idea of Merlin alone and - presumably - unarmed in the forest did not sit well with him. He thanked Gaius and immediately made for the stables to collect a horse to set out after his manservant. He was familiar enough with the area that had the greatest supply of herbs; he and Morgana had sometimes been sent out to accompany Gaius to when they were getting underfoot in the castle. It didn’t take him long to find Merlin sat against the treeline and staring out across a clearing with a small fire next to him for light. He didn’t notice Arthur as he approached; instead his focus was on something in his hands.

“Hard at work?” Arthur said causing the other man to jump. 

“Sire!’ He said in surprise as he stowed whatever he had been holding in his pocket. “I was just- umm-”

“Relax Merlin,” Arthur said as he sat on the floor next to him. “You’ve been out here for hours.”

“Sorry I just… needed some space.” He sighed, staring determinedly at the floor. 

“Merlin-” Arthur sighed and looked over at the other man. “What I said earlier- it was unkind and you didn’t deserve it.” Merlin didn’t respond for a long time and for a moment Arthur wondered if he’d even heard him.

“My father’s dead.” It was said so quietly Arthur almost missed it. “I met him and then he died in my arms two days later. He died and I couldn’t even mourn him because of who he was.” He looked up for the first time and Arthur could see dried tear tracks streaking down his face. “So no, I suppose I don’t understand what it is to be allowed to grieve openly for a father that you were able to know for a lifetime.”

“I had no idea,” Arthur said softly.

“Why would you?” Merlin said with a shrug.

“I don’t understand, why couldn’t you mourn him? Who was he?”

“It’s almost funny,” Merlin said. “I’m probably the only person that can understand what it is to have the weight of a kingdom placed on your shoulders when it feels like the world is falling apart.”

“I don’t follow.”

“Do you remember Balinor?” Merlin pulled the object he had been holding earlier from his pocket and Arthur saw it was a small wooden figurine of a dragon.

“The dragonlord? What’s he- oh.” Arthur let out a small huff as he realised the implications.

“When a dragonlord dies his gift passes to his son.”

“I didn’t kill the dragon, did I?”

“You did not,” Merlin said with a small shake of his head.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Merlin gave a mirthless chuckled at this.

“Because the reason my parents even met was when my father had to flee Camelot in the purge. Because the reason he didn’t stay was the small army of knights your father sent over the border after him. Because if he had stayed my mother and I would just be two more names in the purge records. Because a dragonlord was always far to close to being a sorcerer for your father to be comfortable with, and the thanks I would have received would have been a pyre. How many more reasons do you want?”

“Did you really think I’d have reported you?”

“I didn’t know!” Merlin raised his voice. “I didn’t know what you would have done and I didn’t want to take the risk to find out, because even if you hadn’t turned me in I would have been asking you to lie to your father, to your king, for me and I would never ask you to make that choice. I’m not worth that burden.”

“You’re not a burden Merlin,” Arthur shook his head. “You should’ve told me; not because I’m your prince but because I’m your friend and you were upset, and your very noble reasons for not doing so are, quite frankly, horseshit.”

“King,” Merlin said softly.

“What?”

“You’re my king; you said ‘prince’.”

“Right,” Arthur looked at the ground and sighed. “Still not used to that.”

“You were my king long before your coronation. I mean this with no disrespect but it was never your father that had my loyalty.” 

“I know Merlin,” Arthur sent him a small smile. “I never questioned that.”

“However, I do seem to remember you explicitly saying on that trip that we couldn’t be friends on  _ because  _ you were a prince,” Merlin said with a twinkle of humour in his eyes.

“Yes, and try and tell anyone that I said anything different and I’ll feed you to my dogs.” Merlin let out a snort of laughter.

“Your people need you, Arthur,” he said turning serious again. “Not Agravaine, not Leon, you.”

“I know,” Arthur sighed. “I just- My father was a great king; how can I possibly live up to his legacy?”

“You already have done,” Merlin said biting back a comment about what he really thought of the late king. “You recaptured Camelot, you’ve been regent for months, and- Arthur look at me. You will not just be a great king, you will be truly legendary.” Not for the first time Arthur was bowled over by his friend’s unwavering faith in him.

“You can’t possibly know that.”

“Yes I can.”

“Oh, another of your ‘funny feelings’ is it?”

“No actually, the dragon told me,” Merlin said smugly.

“That thing can talk?”

“It’s getting him to stop that’s normally the issue,” Merlin muttered.

“Present tense.”

“What?”

“You said that in present tense… It’s still alive, isn’t it?” Arthur deadpanned. Merlin’s eyes widened as he drew away slightly at the realisation of what he’d let slip; it took Arthur a moment to realise the look he was giving him was one of fear. Merlin was looking at him in fear and instantly he realised it wasn’t an expression he ever wanted to see his friend direct at him again.

“He’s the last of his kind and I couldn’t be responsible for their extinction. Not after- we’re kin I couldn’t kill him, but Camelot is safe I promise! I ordered him to leave and he can’t disobey that.” Merlin said in a rush. 

“Merlin relax I- ok well I don’t understand but that doesn’t mean I can’t accept it. I trust your judgement.” Arthur reached out and placed a hand on his shoulder to reassure him. 

“Do you want to meet him?”

“Don’t push it.”

“Yeah, maybe another time.”

“Why  _ did  _ my father think dragonlords were so close to sorcerers?” Arthur asked after a moment.

“I think a lot of them probably were,” Merlin said with a shrug. “I don’t know though it’s not like there are many resources about them in Camelot.”

“You’re not though so it’s not like they all were.” Merlin visibly paled at this and opened his mouth as if to respond only to snap it shut again. “Merlin?” Arthur frowned. He was hoping beyond hope that this didn’t mean what he thought it did but at this point he found he wasn’t all that surprised.

“I- umm- I mean-” Merlin floundered and that look of fear that Arthur hated returned.

“Alright enough,” he held a hand up to stop him. “I’m freezing; this fire of your is pathetic. We’re going to go back, you’re going to bring a pitcher of wine to my chambers, and then you’re going to tell me whatever it is that’s caused that reaction. Whilst I can’t promise to take it all well I can at least promise that you don’t need to look so damn terrified. You know better than anyone that I am not my father but you have to try and trust me a little.”

“I do trust you,” Merlin said in a stunned voice.

“Good,” Arthur said as he got to his feet and held out a hand to help Merlin up. “Come on then.” They began to walk back towards the castle with Arthur leading his horse. “I suppose I should say thank you for the dragon.”

“Don’t thank me for that. There are a hundred other things that might be deserving of thanks but never that,” Merlin said with a tinge to his voice that Arthur couldn’t quite identify.

“You better start talking then.” 

And he did. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> The parallels between what Balinor's death meant for Merlin and what Uther's mean for Arthur were too much for me not to write about and we were robbed of this opportunity for bonding in the show (but then we were robbed of lots of things in the show).
> 
> Looks like I'm back to my regularly scheduled posting time of the middle of the night, who's surprised? Not me.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


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